I was neither born to atheist parents nor was I
brought up that way. My parents were strong believers and regular visitors to
temples. I can still remember the daily prayer sessions at home and my parents’
daily visits to the nearby temple. At some point my father had stopped his
daily visits, though I won’t say he had turned non-believer. He quoted our
scriptures which said God was present everywhere, as an excuse to his change in
routine. However our annual visits to Sabarimala didn’t stop. I had been
visiting temples regularly till sometime during my first year at college. My
father gave enough freedom to us children to decide on our practices in this
regard.
I don’t know when or what changed me from believer to
non-believer. It certainly wasn’t any major incident that made me not believe
in the Supreme Power. There certainly wasn’t any ideology that turned me away
from God. Over time the feeling came to me that there couldn’t be one Supreme
Power who could control everything in the universe. Certainly not one who could
be pleased to do things in our favour, nor angered enough to create misfortune
for us. It was not that I believed it was all in my power to carve a path to my
future. I believed there were too many things that were more powerful than the
individual, including one more educated, more affluent or more physically
powerful individual. I strongly believed that anything that happened in this
world was a result of a combination of forces, that of human beings and / or
that of nature. As this idea took root in my mind I also started analyzing
incidences in a rational way. I argued that I didn’t have to believe or accept
anything that either I have seen or has been recorded with proof. I remember
vividly one discussion with a friendly doctor who put forth the argument that
the only proof to who my father was, is the world of my mother and so how could
I be sure that the person whom I call father is really my father. I retorted
saying that I was least bothered who begot me, but would accept the person as
father, whom my mother said, was my father. I said I would believe what I see
rather than something I can’t see or hear or know with proof. People called me
an atheist.
Even during my period of non-belief I had visited
temples occasionally. One such annual visit was with my dear friend who
insisted on visiting the temple on his birthdays and took me along. I went
along because the visit was followed by a good dinner in celebration of his
birthday, of course paid by him. My other visits to temples were during annual
temple festivals. I loved the festive atmosphere, the beat of drums and more
importantly the gathering of young females. Another religious activity, if you
could call it that, was the annual discourse on Bhagavat Gita by the great
teacher and philosopher Shri Chinmayananda Swamy. The philosophy of life, as
explained in The Gita greatly attracted me and influenced me. The one thing
from The Gita, which got etched in mind, was that our want or love for something
was the basic reason for most kind of miseries in our life. It only helped
reiterate my feeling that any Supreme Power could not help us when the cause
itself lies in us and in factors that affect our life. Even during those
periods of non-belief there was one thing that I always noticed and remembered
– the peace of mind and calm that I experienced when I was inside a temple. The
rational part of my mind attributed this to the general feel-good atmosphere of
any temple, especially Kerala temples - the silence, the pleasant smells and a
sense of purity.
It would have served as good reading for my readers if
there had been one major incident or even better, a calamity, in my life that
turned me from non-believer to believer. There just wasn’t, or at least I can’t
remember of anything of such nature. Life was good to me even during those
years of non-belief, barring a few unpleasant incidents that occur in anyone’s
life. I had seen in many movies telling the story of God, showing how a strong
non-believer (usually a drunkard with all bad habits and behavior) is saved
miraculously from a major accident or death by God, then turns to be a staunch
believer. I didn’t believe in those stories then. I didn’t believe all atheists
were “bad” characters – at least I was not one. And I believed that such
persons don’t deserve to be saved either.
There were no dramatic incidences that turned me from
a non-believer to a believer in God. There were a few favourable happenings in
life that I could not explain using my logical mind. I also cannot deny the big
influence my partner in life had, in starting this change. Hearing about Him,
visiting temples with my wife, watching Mahabharatha and discussing about it,
all had an influence in me. I had become curious about Him and allowed a small
space for Him in my mind.
It would seem hugely funny to believers that I thought
I had allowed Him a small space in my mind, when He is omnipresent and
omnipotent. But then listening to my Guru Shri Velukkudi Krishnan’s discourse
on Thiruppavai, I realize what I had done. I had stopped denying His access to
me. Like my Guru says, the most-merciful and kind Lord just needs us to stop
denying Him from helping us. Once we do this He takes it as His responsibility
to guide us, help us and lead us to salvation. It may sound absurd, but most of
us do it without even realizing it. As Krishna himself says, even his close
friend and disciple Yudhishtira in his mind had wished that Krishna would not
be there to see him play the game of dice and place his own brothers and
country and wealth as stake. There are many times in all of our lives that we
wish foolishly, knowing very well that it is not possible, that God won’t
witness our wrong-doings, thus preventing Him from helping us. Not that His kindness
would let Him let go of us like that, but then He will wait till we realize and
seek His help.
As always I turn to Thiruppavai and my Guru’s
explanations on it. In the 28th Paasuram Aandal refers to going
after the cattle (கறவைகள் பின் சென்று கானம் சேர்ந்து உண்போம்). As to
why Aandal refers to going after cattle is because Krishna Himself when
questioned about his love for the four-legged gentle creatures, explained that
they never prevented Him from going behind them. The meaning being that as long
as we don’t deny Him from guiding and helping us, He will take care of our
well-being.
Many
might ask me what I have gained by turning into a believer. I have not gained
riches, nor have I gained fame and status. But the change has taught me to
realize that He is there to help me and guide me when He sees the need. It has
taught me not to gloat over success or despair in times of failures. The change
has brought about peace and happiness which otherwise I have never experienced.
I
cannot end this without thanking my Guru Shri Velukkudi Krishnan Swamy for the
little knowledge that I have gained, Aandal for giving us the Thiruppavai and
the Lord Himself for giving me the chance to associate myself with both the
above.
