For many years, or should I say till two years ago, the
month of Margazhi meant nothing more than pleasant weather in the otherwise
throughout the year hot Chennai. The month also meant celebrating the dawning
of a New Year. It was only from the second half of year 2012 that the month of
Margazhi started signifying something more than just the above. Something
relating to spirituality. Something to do with God and way to reach out to Him.
Something that taught me that there was path open to me, which I had not seen
for so many years, that I should take to understand and love my creator and
master the Lord Narayana Himself.
As with most people I had my own stint of being an atheist,
that too having been born in a fairly religious and God fearing family. But then
I turned to God again after the brief period of non-belief, partly due to a
life partner who was spiritually inclined. I looked at God (or should I say
Gods as we have many) as a power that could control us, that would give us what
we wanted if asked in the right way. But one thing I never believed was that he
could bribed by a few coins in the donation box in temples or a few offerings
made in return for favours curried. But I did believe in various fasts, prayers
and regular visits to temples. I prayed daily and realized that it did give me
a mental strength to weather any adversity. But even then God was someone who I
placed on a high pedestal and looked up at someone who was there, but always
out of reach for me and more as someone who operated at an impersonal level,
handing us favours or punishments based on our actions and prayers. Never did I
consider Him as someone who was guiding us on a day to day basis, with an
immense amount of love and kindness. Though I prayed daily, He was always
someone to be kept faith on and obeyed. All this and my object of prayer
changed with a suddenness that surprised me.
Even before the changes started the indications were there,
but I realized it much later, thanks to my ignorance about His ways. I was an
ardent devotee of Devi Parvathi, more specifically Madurai Meenakshmi Amman for
quite some time. She had occupied prime place in my prayers and in my thoughts.
Before my leaving for Tanzania in June 2011, it was my strong wish to visit
Madurai and seek the blessings of Meenakshi Amman for my new job and new
location. However I realize later that things would not go as per my wish but
as per His plans for me. Circumstances prevented me from visiting Madurai. All
my plans changed and I had the fortune of visiting Guruvayoor and taking the
blessings of Shree Krishna. My mind still was plagued with guilt for not having
paid respects to the Goddess that I considered my own mother. But then I
thought maybe that was Her wish and proceeded to Tanzania, where I remained a devotee
of the Mother Goddess, keeping as much faith in Her as before.
I have read and heard said that when we
seek a Guru with all our hearts and if He wishes so, the opportunity will
present itself. It proved very much true in my case. I started listening to the discourses on Thiruppavai by Shri
Velukkudi Krishnan Swamy. Listening to the same discourse couple of times made
me place him in my mind as my Guru, though I doubt whether he would have
accepted me as his disciple, ignorant that I am even about the daily procedures
I am expected to follow as a Brahmin. But he remained in mind as my Guru and
mentally I offered my prayers keeping him in my mind.
It was quite evident at that time the He
was taking me on a path I had not travelled before. Making me listen to
Thiruppavai repeatedly was just one of His ways. At the same time the
opportunity was presented for me to be an active participant in weekly bhajan
sessions by the local ISKCON units, often the same being conducted at my
residence. I had not been one to enjoy bhajans, or for that matter even crowd
at temples. I preferred to pray alone whether at home or at temples. But I
started enjoying the bhajan sessions and I understood why my Guru insisted that
devotees pray together. The positive energy was palpable during the sessions. I
started understanding the meaning of what Aandal says in Thiruppavai – கூடியிருந்து குளிர்ந்தேலோரெம்பாவாய்.
What attracted me most to
Thiruppavai is its sheer simplicity. I had been trying to gain knowledge about
spirituality and God through various sources. But Aandal, the incarnate of Lord
Bhoodevi, herself possessing immense knowledge, chooses to play the role of one
born in the clan of cow-herds, insisting at various places in the poetry about
her ignorance of anything spiritual. It is Aandal who showed me the true
meaning of what Krishna said – to leave everything and surrender to Him
completely. It is Aandal who teaches us that once we have surrendered fully to
Him, He will take us under His wings and give us what we need. It is from
Thiruppavai that we learn that His love for us is much greater than our love
for Him. It is in Aandal’s 28th Paasuram that she tells Krishna that
she is an ignorant woman, the only merit being that she was born in the same
clan as Krishna and have surrendered herself to Him completely. And she says
now it is His turn to show His love for her and grant her the aim of her life –
to be eternally in the presence of the Lord Himself. It is Aandal who taught me
that all I can do is wish, but all actions will be done by Him through me. It
is Aandal who taught me that the only thing that can give salvation is total
surrender to Him.
Thiruppavai and Andaal, through
my Guru, turned me from believing and fearing God to loving Him with all my
heart. I learned, albeit so late in my life, that He, as the owner and master
of my soul, is keener about my well being than me myself. From a believer in
many Gods and demi-Gods, I have turned into one with an unshakable faith in
Lord Narayana and his kindness and love for me.
It will be a mistake on my part to end this blog without offering my
immense gratitude to my Guru Shri Velukkudi Krishnan, the kind Shree Andaal and
the all-powerful, ever-loving Master of my soul Shreeman Narayana.
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