MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY - ATHEIST TO BELIEVER

I was neither born to atheist parents nor was I brought up that way. My parents were strong believers and regular visitors to temples. I can still remember the daily prayer sessions at home and my parents’ daily visits to the nearby temple. At some point my father had stopped his daily visits, though I won’t say he had turned non-believer. He quoted our scriptures which said God was present everywhere, as an excuse to his change in routine. However our annual visits to Sabarimala didn’t stop. I had been visiting temples regularly till sometime during my first year at college. My father gave enough freedom to us children to decide on our practices in this regard.

I don’t know when or what changed me from believer to non-believer. It certainly wasn’t any major incident that made me not believe in the Supreme Power. There certainly wasn’t any ideology that turned me away from God. Over time the feeling came to me that there couldn’t be one Supreme Power who could control everything in the universe. Certainly not one who could be pleased to do things in our favour, nor angered enough to create misfortune for us. It was not that I believed it was all in my power to carve a path to my future. I believed there were too many things that were more powerful than the individual, including one more educated, more affluent or more physically powerful individual. I strongly believed that anything that happened in this world was a result of a combination of forces, that of human beings and / or that of nature. As this idea took root in my mind I also started analyzing incidences in a rational way. I argued that I didn’t have to believe or accept anything that either I have seen or has been recorded with proof. I remember vividly one discussion with a friendly doctor who put forth the argument that the only proof to who my father was, is the world of my mother and so how could I be sure that the person whom I call father is really my father. I retorted saying that I was least bothered who begot me, but would accept the person as father, whom my mother said, was my father. I said I would believe what I see rather than something I can’t see or hear or know with proof. People called me an atheist.

Even during my period of non-belief I had visited temples occasionally. One such annual visit was with my dear friend who insisted on visiting the temple on his birthdays and took me along. I went along because the visit was followed by a good dinner in celebration of his birthday, of course paid by him. My other visits to temples were during annual temple festivals. I loved the festive atmosphere, the beat of drums and more importantly the gathering of young females. Another religious activity, if you could call it that, was the annual discourse on Bhagavat Gita by the great teacher and philosopher Shri Chinmayananda Swamy. The philosophy of life, as explained in The Gita greatly attracted me and influenced me. The one thing from The Gita, which got etched in mind, was that our want or love for something was the basic reason for most kind of miseries in our life. It only helped reiterate my feeling that any Supreme Power could not help us when the cause itself lies in us and in factors that affect our life. Even during those periods of non-belief there was one thing that I always noticed and remembered – the peace of mind and calm that I experienced when I was inside a temple. The rational part of my mind attributed this to the general feel-good atmosphere of any temple, especially Kerala temples - the silence, the pleasant smells and a sense of purity.

It would have served as good reading for my readers if there had been one major incident or even better, a calamity, in my life that turned me from non-believer to believer. There just wasn’t, or at least I can’t remember of anything of such nature. Life was good to me even during those years of non-belief, barring a few unpleasant incidents that occur in anyone’s life. I had seen in many movies telling the story of God, showing how a strong non-believer (usually a drunkard with all bad habits and behavior) is saved miraculously from a major accident or death by God, then turns to be a staunch believer. I didn’t believe in those stories then. I didn’t believe all atheists were “bad” characters – at least I was not one. And I believed that such persons don’t deserve to be saved either.

There were no dramatic incidences that turned me from a non-believer to a believer in God. There were a few favourable happenings in life that I could not explain using my logical mind. I also cannot deny the big influence my partner in life had, in starting this change. Hearing about Him, visiting temples with my wife, watching Mahabharatha and discussing about it, all had an influence in me. I had become curious about Him and allowed a small space for Him in my mind.

It would seem hugely funny to believers that I thought I had allowed Him a small space in my mind, when He is omnipresent and omnipotent. But then listening to my Guru Shri Velukkudi Krishnan’s discourse on Thiruppavai, I realize what I had done. I had stopped denying His access to me. Like my Guru says, the most-merciful and kind Lord just needs us to stop denying Him from helping us. Once we do this He takes it as His responsibility to guide us, help us and lead us to salvation. It may sound absurd, but most of us do it without even realizing it. As Krishna himself says, even his close friend and disciple Yudhishtira in his mind had wished that Krishna would not be there to see him play the game of dice and place his own brothers and country and wealth as stake. There are many times in all of our lives that we wish foolishly, knowing very well that it is not possible, that God won’t witness our wrong-doings, thus preventing Him from helping us. Not that His kindness would let Him let go of us like that, but then He will wait till we realize and seek His help.

As always I turn to Thiruppavai and my Guru’s explanations on it. In the 28^th Paasuram Aandal refers to going after the cattle (கறவைகள் பின் சென்று கானம் சேர்ந்து உண்போம்). As to why Aandal refers to going after cattle is because Krishna Himself when questioned about his love for the four-legged gentle creatures, explained that they never prevented Him from going behind them. The meaning being that as long as we don’t deny Him from guiding and helping us, He will take care of our well-being.

Many might ask me what I have gained by turning into a believer. I have not gained riches, nor have I gained fame and status. But the change has taught me to realize that He is there to help me and guide me when He sees the need. It has taught me not to gloat over success or despair in times of failures. The change has brought about peace and happiness which otherwise I have never experienced.

I cannot end this without thanking my Guru Shri Velukkudi Krishnan Swamy for the little knowledge that I have gained, Aandal for giving us the Thiruppavai and the Lord Himself for giving me the chance to associate myself with both the above.